Sleep and Grief: Why Rest Feels Elusive After Loss

Grief changes everything, including your sleep.

If you’ve found yourself staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m., waking up too early with your heart pounding, or sleeping more than usual but still feeling exhausted, you’re not alone. Sleep disturbances are one of the most common responses to grief, but they’re often overlooked. In my therapy practice, I frequently hear grieving clients describe their sleep as “off” or “weird.” One woman put it this way: “It’s like when you nap on an airplane. I’m technically asleep, but it doesn’t feel like I actually rested.”

Grief and sleep problems go hand in hand. Understanding why this happens can be the first step toward finding relief.

Grief impacts sleep

“It’s like when you nap on an airplane. I’m technically asleep, but it doesn’t feel like I actually rested.”

Common Grief Reactions That Impact Sleep

Grief affects your whole body (not just your emotions). One of the most profound impacts is on your brain, especially areas responsible for executive functioning, memory, and emotional regulation. Neuroscientist and grief researcher Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain, explains that grief activates some of the same neural pathways involved in threat detection. Your brain is trying to adapt to the absence of someone who was deeply woven into your sense of safety, purpose, and routine. This internal stress can keep you in a state of hypervigilance, making sleep hard to come by.

Here are some common ways grief affects sleep:

• Sleep initiation issues – You can’t fall asleep, no matter how tired you feel.

• Fragmented sleep – You wake up frequently, struggle to complete full sleep cycles, or experience “shallow” sleep.

• Oversleeping – Your body may crave rest, but even extended hours of sleep may not feel refreshing.

• Intrusive thoughts or imagery – Replaying moments from the loss, last conversations, or traumatic details can hijack the mind at night.

• Looping thoughts and emotional spikes – Guilt, anger, longing, or fear can become more intense in the stillness of bedtime.
  

Lack of consolidated, high-quality sleep makes it even harder to cope with grief during the day. Poor sleep impairs executive functioning. Executive functions include your brain’s ability to plan, prioritize, and regulate emotions. It’s a vicious cycle: grief impacts sleep, and disrupted sleep intensifies grief.

Sleep Is Not the Same As Restorative Rest

When grieving, it’s common to feel like you’re moving through molasses. You might sleep ten hours and still wake up drained. This is because not all sleep is created equal. Your brain needs to move through specific stages of sleep (light, deep, and REM) in a connected way for it to feel truly restorative.

But grief often interrupts that cycle.

Think of your nervous system like a power grid trying to stay online during a storm. It’s flickering, trying to reset, but never fully settles. That’s why sleep during grief might technically “count” as sleep but leave you feeling unrested.

Supporting Sleep While Grieving: Practical Tips

While there’s no magic formula to erase the toll grief takes on sleep, there are supportive routines that can help create the conditions for more restful nights.

1. Keep a Consistent Sleep-Wake Schedule

Even if your sleep feels disrupted, try to wake up and go to bed at the same time each day. This helps regulate your circadian rhythm, your body’s internal clock.

2. Create a Gentle Evening Wind-Down Routine

An hour before bed, dim the lights, turn off screens, and avoid emotionally activating content (even the news). Consider:

• Warm tea (non-caffeinated)

• A hot bath or shower

• Light stretching or breathing exercises

• Journaling or reading something calming

3. Address Intrusive Thoughts

If looping or intrusive thoughts are keeping you awake, try a “worry dump” journal before bed or at an earlier time in the day. Write out what’s on your mind and then close the journal, literally and symbolically, before heading to bed. Consider “planting seeds” of what you’d like to be on your heart and in your mind overnight by writing these down as well.

Guided meditation or grief-specific yoga nidra (like those available on Insight Timer or YouTube) can also offer a calming transition.

4. Limit Substances That Disrupt Sleep

Alcohol, caffeine, and even some over-the-counter sleep aids can interfere with your natural sleep cycles. Be mindful of these, especially in the late afternoon and evening.

5. Honor Rest, Even If Sleep Feels Out of Reach

Sometimes, aiming for sleep can increase pressure and make things worse. Instead, aim for rest: lying down with your eyes closed, listening to calming music, or simply breathing deeply. Your body still benefits from rest, even without sleep.

When to Seek More Support

If sleep problems persist or significantly interfere with your ability to function, it may be time to reach out for support. For some people, disrupted sleep during grief resolves naturally over time. For others, it becomes a chronic pattern that deepens emotional distress and increases risk for anxiety, depression, or physical illness.

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

Grief Counseling Can Help

Grief counseling provides a space to process the emotions, trauma, and identity changes that loss brings. In therapy, we can explore what’s keeping you up at night, whether it’s guilt, fear, mental replay loops, or unprocessed memories—and help you gently release what your nervous system is holding onto.

In my practice, I offer grief therapy and grief intensives to help clients move through their pain and begin reconnecting with themselves. Intensives can be especially helpful for people who feel “stuck” in their grief or overwhelmed by day-to-day life. In a focused, extended session (often over the course of one or two days), we work together to untangle the emotional knots that might be showing up in your sleep, your body, or your relationships. Reach out to schedule a free consultation.

Whether you’re months or years into your loss, it’s never too late to start healing.

A Note About Medical Support

Sleep is deeply connected to your overall health. If you're struggling with insomnia after loss, vivid nightmares, or other symptoms that are interfering with your ability to function, it’s worth talking to your doctor. In some cases, medical conditions or medications can play a role in sleep disruption.

This blog is for educational purposes only and does not replace medical advice. Always consult with your physician if you're experiencing significant or prolonged sleep issues.

You're Not Broken. You're Grieving.

Sleep troubles after loss are not a personal failure or something to "push through." They’re a biological and emotional response to the reality of grief. Your brain is doing the best it can to protect you, even if that means it’s on high alert.

The good news? You can support your body and brain as you heal. With rest, rituals, and the right kind of help, sleep becomes possible again. And not just any sleep, but the kind that actually restores.

If you’re looking for grief counseling near you or wondering how therapy could support your healing journey, I’d be honored to connect. I work with grieving women across Washington State, both virtually and in person, and offer therapy intensives in Gig Harbor for those looking to make meaningful progress in a short amount of time.

You don’t have to do this alone. And you deserve rest.