Parenting While Grieving: How to Support Your Kids When You’re Hurting Too
Grief is never simple, and when you’re a mom, it’s even more complicated. You don’t get to pause parenting just because your world has been turned upside down. The school lunches still need packing, little hands still reach for you, and the needs of your kids don’t stop when your heart is breaking.
Mothering through grief is a relentless balancing act: tending to your own pain while trying to support your children through theirs. It can feel like carrying two backpacks: yours already heavy with loss, and theirs added on top. This blog is here to name what makes that load so heavy, explore how grief impacts both you and your kids, and share tools that can help you get through the days when it feels impossible.
How Grief Impacts More Than Just Our Emotions
When we think of grief, we often picture deep sadness or crying. But grief shows up in every part of our lives:
Physically: Fatigue, headaches, stomach issues, sleep problems, changes in appetite.
Mentally: Difficulty concentrating, memory lapses, intrusive thoughts.
Spiritually: Feeling disconnected, questioning your beliefs, searching for meaning.
Behaviorally: Irritability, withdrawal, restlessness, trouble making decisions.
Socially: Feeling isolated, misunderstood, or out of step with others.
Cognitively: That “grief fog” that makes even simple tasks feel monumental.
Layer motherhood on top of this, where you’re already stretched thin by the mental load of keeping your family afloat, and it’s no wonder grief feels unbearable at times.
The invisible load of motherhood plus the heavy weight of grief is a combination unlike any other.
The Mental Load of Motherhood + Grief
Even without grief, moms carry an invisible checklist that never seems to end: appointments, meals, school events, playdates, sibling conflicts, emotional needs. It’s no exaggeration to say that the mental load of mothering is a job in itself.
When grief enters, that load doesn’t shrink. Instead, your capacity shrinks. It’s like trying to run your household on a phone that’s constantly at 10% battery. Every ding or demand drains you further. And while you’re struggling to hold it all together, the world around you often moves on as though nothing happened. Friends stop checking in, routines resume, and you can feel frozen in time while life speeds past. Add to this the reality that many moms don’t have the “village” that parenting requires, and grief can feel deeply lonely.
How Children Experience Grief at Different Ages
One of the hardest parts of grieving as a mom is watching your kids hurt too. Their grief doesn’t look the same as yours, and it changes depending on their age and development. Here are some general patterns:
Toddlers & Preschoolers (0–5 years): May not understand permanence. They might ask repeatedly where the loved one is, or show their grief through regression (bedwetting, clinginess, tantrums). Older toddlers or preschoolers may have more communication skills to express their feelings, questions and needs.
School-Aged Kids (6–12 years): Begin to understand death is final. They may worry about their own safety or yours, act out behaviorally, or become “little adults” trying to take care of you.
Teenagers (13+ years): More adult-like understanding of loss, but can swing between independence and deep neediness. Grief may show up as anger, withdrawal, risk-taking, or big questions about identity and meaning.
No matter their age, kids often revisit their grief as they grow, experiencing new layers of loss when they reach different developmental stages.
Actionable Tools for When Grief and Motherhood Collide
When you’re grieving and still actively parenting, you need tools that are quick, realistic, and don’t require a spa day or three hours of journaling. Here are two categories to lean on:
1. Fire Extinguisher Tools (In-the-Moment Relief)
Think of these as strategies you can grab when the overwhelm feels like it’s about to take you out.
Grounding with the 5-4-3-2-1 method: Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 thing you taste.
Temperature shifts: Splash cold water on your face, hold an ice cube, or step outside for a breath of fresh air.
Mantras for the moment: Simple phrases like “This is hard, and I can do the next thing” or “Breathe in, breathe out” can anchor you.
2. Prevention Tools (Creating Space + Margin)
These don’t erase grief, but they help soften its edges by keeping a bit more capacity available.
Simplify routines: Let go of non-essentials (paper plates are okay, frozen pizza is dinner).
Ask for help (even if it’s small): A friend doing school pickup once a week or dropping off groceries makes a difference.
Protect pockets of rest: Even 10 minutes with your phone on silent, sitting in your car before heading inside, can be restorative.
Move your body gently: Walks, stretching, or yoga help release the physical weight of grief.
Name your needs out loud: Saying, “I need quiet for a few minutes” models healthy boundaries for your kids.
Why Choosing the Right Therapist Matters
Not all therapists understand the layered complexity of grieving while mothering. Supporting moms in grief isn’t just about helping an individual process loss, it’s about recognizing how grief intersects with parenting, the mental load, childhood grief, and identity shifts in motherhood.
As a therapist specializing in grief, perinatal mental health, and women’s issues, I bring this whole-picture understanding into my work. Whether you’re navigating miscarriage, child loss, or the death of another loved one, you deserve a therapist who sees the full reality: your pain, your role as a mom, and the weight you’re carrying for your kids.
Therapy can give you a space where you don’t have to be the strong one. It’s a place to lay down both backpacks (the one filled with your grief, and the one filled with theirs) for a while, and find strategies for carrying them more sustainably.
Final Thoughts
Mothering through grief is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. You don’t need to do it perfectly. You don’t even need to do it gracefully. You just need enough tools and support to make it through the next day, the next bedtime routine, the next wave of pain.
If you’re a grieving mom trying to find your footing, please know you don’t have to carry this alone. Therapy can be the space where your grief and your motherhood are both honored without judgment.
👉 If you’re ready to take that next step, I’d love to connect. Schedule a free consultation today and let’s talk about how I can support you.
