Grieving in Advance: Why Anticipatory Grief Feels Like Living in Two Timelines
TL;DR: Anticipatory grief is the experience of grieving a loss before it fully happens—loving someone in the present while also mourning their future absence. It can bring a mix of sadness, anxiety, guilt, and even joy, leaving you feeling like you’re straddling two timelines at once. These symptoms are not weakness but signs of your body and mind preparing for change. With grounding practices, compassionate self-care, and support such as grief counseling or EMDR, it’s possible to stay rooted in the present and carry both love and grief with more steadiness.
Grief is often thought of as something that happens after a loss. But for many people, grief begins long before that moment. You may find yourself laughing with someone you love one minute, and then suddenly feel a wave of sorrow as you imagine a future without them. It can feel like you’re living in two timelines at once—one rooted in the present, where your loved one is still here, and another already touched by absence.
This experience is called anticipatory grief. It’s a valid, natural response to the awareness of an impending loss, yet it can leave you feeling conflicted, unstable, or even guilty. This blog will explore what anticipatory grief is, the different forms it can take, its symptoms, why it feels so complicated, and how you can care for yourself along the way. We’ll also talk about how grief therapy can help at any point in the process—not just after loss.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief refers to the grief you feel when you know a loss is coming, but it hasn’t happened yet. It’s most commonly associated with terminal illness or progressive conditions like dementia, but it can also occur when you anticipate other types of endings—such as divorce, estrangement, or children leaving home.
What makes anticipatory grief so confusing is that you’re grieving something that hasn’t fully happened while still trying to be present in the here and now.
It can feel like your mind and heart are trying to prepare for impact, bracing against the inevitable.
It’s important to know that anticipatory grief is not “grieving too early” or “giving up.” It’s a well-documented and legitimate form of grief. In fact, research suggests that the brain sometimes begins mourning before the actual loss as a way to help us cope when the moment arrives.
The Different Kinds of Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief can take several forms, depending on the type of loss you’re preparing for:
Medical anticipatory grief: Perhaps the most widely recognized form. This occurs when you’re caring for someone with a terminal diagnosis, dementia, or a chronic condition that significantly changes their abilities. You may grieve both the anticipated death and the gradual losses along the way—such as changes in memory, personality, or independence.
Relational anticipatory grief: This happens when you know a relationship is ending, whether through divorce, separation, or estrangement. You may grieve both the present pain of disconnection and the anticipated absence of that person in your life.
Life-transition anticipatory grief: Not all losses involve death or estrangement. Parents may feel anticipatory grief when children prepare to leave home, or older adults may grieve the loss of independence before it fully arrives.
While each type has its own context, they all share the core experience of “loss before loss.” You’re simultaneously holding onto what you have and mourning what’s slipping away.
Symptoms and Signs of Anticipatory Grief
Because anticipatory grief touches the emotional, physical, and cognitive parts of us, its symptoms can be wide-ranging:
Emotional symptoms:
Sadness and tearfulness
Anxiety about the future
Guilt (e.g., “Does grieving now mean I’m giving up on them?”)
Irritability or mood swings
Feeling emotionally “split” between joy and sorrow
Physical symptoms:
Fatigue or low energy
Changes in sleep or appetite
Tension or restlessness
Brain fog or difficulty concentrating
Cognitive symptoms:
Intrusive thoughts about what will happen
Difficulty planning ahead
Preoccupation with worst-case scenarios
Feeling distracted or checked out
Behavioral symptoms:
Pulling away from others or, conversely, clinging more tightly
Avoiding conversations about the future
Struggling to balance caregiving and personal needs
These reactions are not signs of weakness—they are signs of love under strain. Your mind and body are responding to an extraordinary emotional challenge.
The Emotional Whiplash: Living in Two Timelines
One of the hardest aspects of anticipatory grief is the emotional whiplash. You may feel joy and gratitude during a shared meal, only to be hit with a sudden wave of grief as you imagine that moment vanishing in the future.
This push-pull can make you feel unstable, as though you’re constantly bouncing between celebration and mourning.
→ On one hand, anticipatory grief gives you time to prepare—time to say what you need to say, to cherish small moments, and to find meaning.
→ On the other hand, it can rob you of presence, filling your days with dread and sorrow even while your loved one is still here.
This dual reality—one foot in today, one foot in tomorrow—is what makes anticipatory grief so uniquely difficult. The instability doesn’t mean you’re “doing it wrong.” It means you’re human, navigating love and loss at the same time.
Coping with Anticipatory Grief: Staying Present Without Shame
While you can’t stop anticipatory grief from happening, there are ways to support yourself through it:
Ground yourself in the present. Practices like mindful breathing, sensory grounding (naming what you see, hear, feel), or simply pausing to notice your surroundings can help you reconnect with now, even briefly.
Create space for your grief. Journaling, art, or rituals can provide a safe outlet for the emotions you might feel hesitant to express.
Name your feelings without judgment. Instead of telling yourself, “I shouldn’t be sad yet,” try, “I’m feeling sadness now because I know change is coming.” Naming your grief helps reduce shame.
Seek connection. Share your experience with trusted friends or support groups. Many people feel isolated in anticipatory grief, so talking about it can lessen that burden.
Allow joy without guilt. Laughing, celebrating, or enjoying time with your loved one doesn’t cancel out your grief. Both can coexist.
Remember: you don’t need to “choose” between joy and sorrow. Both are valid responses when you’re living in two timelines.
How Grief Therapy Can Help—At Any Stage
Many people assume therapy is only for after a loss. But seeking help during anticipatory grief can be profoundly supportive. Therapy provides a space where you don’t have to filter your emotions or worry about being “too much.”
How grief therapy helps:
Validation and normalization: A therapist can help you understand that your feelings are expected responses to anticipatory grief.
Tools for regulation: You can learn techniques to calm your nervous system when anxiety or intrusive thoughts feel overwhelming.
Support for guilt and fear: Therapy offers a safe place to process the guilt of “grieving too soon” or the fear of what’s ahead.
Meaning-making: Therapy can help you explore how to find meaning, honor your loved one, or prepare for rituals of remembrance.
Incorporating EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can be especially helpful when grief overlaps with trauma or when painful images replay in your mind.
It’s okay to reach out for therapy before, during, or after loss. There’s no “right stage” to seek support—only the stage where you need it most.
Learn more about grief therapy here.
Holding Both Timelines with Compassion
Anticipatory grief is the experience of loving someone deeply in the present while also grieving their absence in the future. It’s why you may feel joy in one breath and heartbreak in the next. Though it can feel disorienting, these responses are not wrong—they are your mind and body’s way of navigating love under the shadow of loss.
If you find yourself in this place, give yourself permission to feel what you feel, without judgment. Stay rooted in the moments you still have, and know that it’s okay to also grieve the ones you’ll lose.
And if the burden feels too heavy, therapy can offer a steady hand as you carry both timelines. You don’t have to face this alone. Support is here—for the present you’re living, and the future you’re bracing for.
Looking for a therapist in Washington who specializes in grief and life transitions?
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About the author
Jen Reisinger, MA, LMHC, PMH-C is a licensed therapist, grief and perinatal mental health specialist with over 14 years of experience supporting clients in Gig Harbor, WA. She specializes in grief, prenatal and postpartum mental health, and trauma and uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR, ACT, and CBT to help clients process trauma, build coping strategies, and create meaning during difficult seasons of life. At Reisinger Counseling and Consulting, PLLC, Jen is committed to providing compassionate, expert care both in-person and online for clients across Washington.
